Forecast Highs

Ring ring.
Hello?
Yes.
Hello Bibi?
Yes. Who is this?
Mahmoud.
Mahmoud who?
Abbas. Mahmoud Abbas? Remember me? We used to…
Abu Mazen?
Yes.
Ahlan Abu, how are you?
Um ok, thanks, listen call me Mahmoud, or Abbas, or Mahmoud Abbas or Abu Mazen. But not just ‘Abu’ ok – amongst us it’s considered not so kosher.
Tell me about not kosher, I haven’t had a good pita all week. I can’t even get a pita at the Druze villages up here. Can you believe it Abu, I’m up in the Golan with the wife and kids and I can’t go get a pita – what if the press sees? I’ll be done for with my natural coalition partners. What a waste of great hummus!
Sorry about that. Anyway, happy Passover Bibi.
Listen Abu, sorry Mahmoud [heh heh] I’m glad you called. I was going to call you first, I’ve been meaning to really, but you know how busy it gets here sometimes. This is my first free day, heh, and how do I spend it, mostly in traffic, heh, the Golan can be a real burden sometimes.
Don’t worry about it. I don’t mind picking up the phone to you first, I’m a moderate statesman.
No really Abbas, I’m sorry, I’m the head of a really powerful country and you’re the head of a booming city just north of our eternal capital, so I really should have shown you the courtesy.
Don’t sweat it.
I’m not sweating. [Turns the phone to the side: Saraleh, am I sweating? Tell me when I'm sweating. What if the press sees?]
Mahmoudi, listen, I wanted to call you, for real, but I heard you were on the other line to Obama, trying to get a meeting with him before he sees me. You weren’t trying to slip in front of me into the White House were you?
No of course not. It’s just that I have some spare time and I haven’t been to America for so long, since Annapolis really. You heard of Annapolis right?
[Sneezing, phone shuffles, static noise]
Bibi? Are you still there?
Abbasi, yes, I’m still here, just repeat the question, what did you say?
I said: have you heard of Annapolis [sneeze on the other line], the peace process, two states for two peoples?
Mahmoudi my friend, it’s been so long since we spoke last, this is what you want to talk to me about now? Heh Heh. Let’s leave these things for now. Tell me, how’s business in Ramallah? Shopping malls are booming I hear. More new factories in Jenin? You know we have factories closing down here every day, sad, sad. Lots of people losing their jobs, very difficult. But Nablus, Nablus is quieter now right?
Well, it’s true there is some progress but without a long-term vision and progress on a process and checkpoints and…
Yes, yes, checkpoints, don’t worry I’ll take care of it. You need VIP access through checkpoints? Give me a list of your friends as well we’ll take care of it.
No, I meant I need you to remove the checkpoints, for trucks and people
Habibi relax, it’s being taken care of as we speak. I’ve got a minister for removing checkpoints working in tandem with a minister for making sure the checkpoints we removed don’t blow up in our faces and they’re both working in close cooperation with a deputy minister whose sole job it is to make sure both those ministries know what the other one is doing. We even have a deputy minister to tell the Knesset about how its going with the other three ministries, so trust me Hamoudi, it’s being taken care of.
Wow, thanks a lot, that really sounds great. Listen, you’re not upset that I’m seeing Obama before you are right? Hey, Jordan’s Abdullah beat us both to the punch, so it’s ok right? We’re all friends right?
Abdullah’s going first? You never hear anything up here in the Golan, and the traffic, don’t ask, it’s horrible during holidays. Really have to ask Lauder to do something about it. Anyway, what’s Abdullah going for?
I think he’s going to show him the Arab Peace Plan [huge sneeze on the other line]. I think Obama wants to see it.
[Sniffing] Wants to see what?
The peace plan. The Arab Peace Plan. The Saudi Initiative.
Abbasaleh, listen to you heh heh, you’re talking in tongues. Settle down, control yourself. What peace plan? You mean the thing with the 14 holes in it. He wants to see the piece of paper with 14 holes in it? You think he’s going to read the whole thing, like he read the whole Hagadah? Do you think he read the whole Hagadah Hamdoudi?
Anyway, Bibi, listen, let’s stay in touch ok, talk to me ok? Chag Sameach.
Thanks for calling Mabrouki, happy Easter.

Related: Israeli intelligence and the new cabinet